New Catholic Facebook Algorithms

Church leaders now have a rudimentary understanding of social media
Church leaders now have a rudimentary understanding of social media

Leaked documents from secret negotiations between The Roman Curia and Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, have resulted in controversial new Catholic algorithms.

Secret documents reveal that it took three weeks of intense meetings for the Facebook team to explain the idea of social media to the church hierarchy but once they had a loose understanding of it, negotiations began. Now, anyone expressing their catholicity will automatically be subordinated to the FB page of local Parish Priest regardless of whether he has any skills or training in social media.

To reflect the seal of the confessional, direct messages to priests will remain encrypted and if the priest shares any of them publicly he will automatically be ex-networked and thrown off Facebook unless allowed back in by a Bishop-level user.

Each parish group will have a Parish Council page – a discussions forum for issues related to the parish but any opinion different to that of the PP will have no ‘share’ or ‘like’ buttons.

Women will not hold any moderation role in any parish group following the example of first century cultural practice widely discerned to be holy and righteous by a two thousand year old patriarchy.

Those Catholics who have anything in Latin in their profile will have an extra button ‘report this post to the Vatican’ which will appear whenever they are reading a post which mentions guitars, folk, youth, change and ‘also with you’.

Charismatics can install an app which plays a sound clip of two claps whenever they read the word ‘Gloria’.

Initial tests have allegedly proven very popular. Religious orders and vocations directors asking for alternative options for ‘Interested in…’. Currently there are the options of ‘women’ and ‘men’ but community, prayer, outreach, celibacy and peace and quiet have been requested.

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